What helps when anger starts to rise and you feel like you might blow up
First of all, it’s important to say that recognizing your own emotions and where they might lead is a skill. The question itself shows trust in the idea that you can influence your own behavior, and that you don’t have to give nervousness or anger power over you. Power and control over your actions always lie with you, not with whatever trigger may bring a feeling to the surface.
Come out of your “head” and into the present moment:
What is the weather like outside? What do you see? What color socks are you wearing? Run cold water over your hands and face if possible. Drink a glass of water. Do jumping jacks for a moment. Squeeze a stress ball (or bubble wrap, modeling clay, poster putty, a tennis ball…). And remember: this moment will pass.
It’s important to process them — to live through them and feel them. Even though it can feel very difficult to go through anger, irritation, fear, or anxiety, it’s better to let them come and then let them go than to try to suppress them. Suppressed emotions always try to surface at some point, and when suppressed they can sometimes return even stronger than before. Emotions can also be felt as physical sensations, which can sometimes be frightening. But emotions are just emotions: they come, they go, and they do not in themselves harm a person.
When a feeling bursts out, it’s worth stopping to consider where it comes from. Usually there is some kind of thought behind the emotion — an interpretation of the situation around you or a sudden reaction to something, such as another person’s behavior. For example, if you think someone has behaved wrongly, it’s logical to feel irritated or angry. Even if the other person did behave wrongly, it’s not helpful to hand over control of your own behavior to them. You might think that the other person acted wrongly because they didn’t know or didn’t know how to act differently. This kind of thought can even bring gentleness and understanding toward the other person.
This is also useful to reflect on. The need might be to be heard and understood, or a need for rest, space, and calm. Especially in a demanding life situation, you may feel like you’re at your limit, simply because there is too much going on in relation to your available resources.
Sometimes an emotion can be so strong that it’s hard to relate to it rationally. In that case, taking a time-out may be appropriate. Removing yourself from the situation can help a lot. Light movement, walking around the house, jumping, breathing — these work for many people. For someone else, calling a friend or taking a shower might help. It’s worth persistently searching for ways that work for you to calm yourself. It’s also good to tell the person who triggered the feeling that you’re stepping away for a moment to calm down, so you don’t cut off contact or leave them wondering what happened.
If the trigger is a child and you are alone with the child, leaving is of course not possible. Children also often evoke strong emotions in adults. Depending on the child’s age, it may be possible to step briefly into another room, drink a glass of water, or take a breath on the balcony while still keeping the child in sight. Sometimes it helps to understand child development stages and to remember that many things adults find irritating are actually part of a child’s developmental tasks — and from that perspective, important that they occur.
How would it feel if, when you were lost in your own emotions, a close, safe adult became angry or left you alone? What would you yourself need in a similar situation — and are you able to respond to that need?
They can be released through movement, writing, drawing, breathing exercises, and more. Emotions are stored in the body, which is why movement or breathing them out is helpful. You can imagine breathing out anger (irritation, disappointment, frustration…) on the exhale, and breathing in calm, balance, and steadiness on the inhale.
Writing and drawing can help organize the inner storm of the mind. Putting things into words or images helps you gain a sense of control over your inner world. In a journal, you can pour out everything you wouldn’t say to others.
If it feels like nothing helps and you often find yourself in the same situation, it’s worth seeking conversational support. Reflecting on the situation with someone outside yourself can be very helpful. Sometimes difficulties with recognizing, regulating, and managing emotions have existed since childhood or adolescence — especially if, in your own upbringing, you didn’t feel seen and heard with all your needs.
In therapy, it’s possible to explore whether, for example, you were allowed to cry and express your emotions safely in your family of origin, or whether doing so led to something unpleasant. If so, these skills can also be learned in adulthood. It’s important to break intergenerational cycles: parents often raise their children the way they themselves were raised — or swing to the opposite extreme. It’s okay to need help and support with emotions.
Very basic things help with managing emotions and life in general: good, restorative sleep. When you’re alert and rested, it’s easier to face difficult things — including emotions. Healthy and regular eating helps in many ways, as does avoiding alcohol and nicotine and drinking enough water.
Daily rhythm and routines create structure in everyday life: time to work or study, time to do something relaxing and enjoyable for yourself, time for hobbies, and time to connect with other people.
When you talk to others about your worries and irritations, you may receive invaluable tips — and at the same time notice that we all struggle with fairly similar things. Very few people are alone in feeling like they might explode. It’s part of being human to experience joyful times and times that feel crushing — and it’s possible to get through all of it.
