Feelings of guilt
It is normal to experience feelings of guilt and shame when living or having lived in an abusive relationship or experiencing any type of violence. Guilt and shame do not belong to someone who has experienced violence, but they are inevitably part of the feelings they feel. These feelings can be difficult to live with. They are feelings of not being able to relax and settle into a peaceful mood, that everything is fine, even if you know it to be true on a conscious level. It is good to learn self-compassion and kindness towards yourself. You do not need to blame yourself for the mistakes you have made in the past for the rest of your life – if you feel guilty about something like that. The person who experienced violence did not cause the violence, they just did not know how to leave the situation. Carrying these feelings does not change history.
Guilt can be eased by the thought that at one time you acted with the resources, the information and the understanding that were available at that time. Back then, one did not think or necessarily act in the same way as they do now. Everyone has their own unique strengths and abilities, and they vary depending on the situation and time. When you have lived a long time in subjugation, you don't see things the same way you would when you were completely free and empowered.
Feelings of guilt and shame can prevent someone experiencing violence from telling anyone about their situation or seeking help for themselves. However, many survivors have said that breaking down the wall of secrecy helped them afterwards. The fact that they have told someone what happened. The matter is somehow structured and becomes more manageable when you organize it into sentences and talk about it.
The feeling of guilt is also a way for the mind to cope. When something unreasonable happens to a person, for example violence, the person begins to look for reasons for what happened to themselves. The human mind always strives for logic and seeks an explanation for the unreasonable. When the perpetrator of violence still blames the person experiencing violence, it is easy for one's own finger to point at oneself. They may even have heard that because you did that, I had to do this. The person who experienced violence may genuinely explain the acts of violence to themselves and to others by saying that they themselves were annoying or incomprehensible. It's kind of normal on a mental level, but when it comes to violence, it's important to identify the real culprit. Talking to an outsider can often help with that.
Guilt and shame can turn against oneself and can manifest, for example, as an experience of unworthiness or inadequacy or, on the other hand, as limitlessness or superiority. Shame is also associated with comparison with others. When working with shame, you can ask yourself, through whose eyes you are looking at yourself? Guilt and shame are usually hidden by actions or by protecting yourself behind a role. Those who carry feelings of guilt may often feel that they should be different in some way. Guilt may also be carried if children have been exposed to violence. Despite this, violence is always the responsibility of the perpetrator. You can try to explain the situation to children in an age-appropriate way and apologize to them for not being able to keep them safe. Ultimately, adults can decide about their own lives at least to some extent, but children are always dependent on adults. Every effort must be made to ensure the safety of children, and if your own means are not sufficient, external help must be sought.
Guilt is just a feeling. You can handle it, and it will pass. Be gentle with yourself and encourage yourself to move towards safety.
